string me to sleep

"Never leave a place unless it is better than you found it"

I guess this has been the incantation in the back of my mind keeping me from moving on. I feel like my job here isn't done yet. Like there's so much more I can do to help. Sometimes in order to become yourself, you need to let things that you love go. Problem is, I don't know if I really want to find out who that is. I like to make myself think that I am perfectly content right here, right now. It's comfortable, it's safe. I find that being in awkward situations are the ones that help us most to grow. Being in the moment, it feels like you're stuck, and once it's over, it feels good to have that experience in the bag. At the root of everything, success, happiness, love, is confidence. Confidence is one of those things that is unpredictable and uncertain. Sometimes this is good. just sometimes. Other times people can be so focused on maintaining their image and being confident that they hardly realize what a number it is doing to the confidence of the person next to them or across the room. People will find reasons to vent negativity. It's hard to be confident after some recent disappointment or problem, the pressures that surround us, and all of this uncertainty. To those who keep it, and work it are absolutely commendable. For some people, they've never had it, and are okay with being treated as though they are inferior, and damaged. This makes everything even more incredibly difficult.
Let's love unconditionally. Let's encourage. Let's light the fire in our hearts and shed some light on someone elses. Let's give second chances to the ones that were too insecure to be themselves the first time. For them.

Love is love.
-emj

Stuck

I wish I could tell you how much this means to me. I wish I could tell you how wasting time drives me crazy. I wish I could tell you that I will never be as ______ as her. I wish I could tell you that if you're happy I'm happy. I wish I could tell you that I want to cry. I wish I could tell you to hold me and make me believe for this moment that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could tell you to take a chance. I wish I could tell you that we are all playing the same game. I wish I could tell you that I feel inferior. I wish I could tell you to wait for me. I wish I could tell you that I appreciate it, but you will never understand. I wish I could tell you... but I can't.

People don't mean to forget, they forget to remember.

It seems that posting a new blog is much more convienient than writing notes and saving them in my phone. It's been a while. In this while, I've been away from home, and away from what I know. As an only child, naturally I have way too much time to think about myself. I'm working on it. Self-discovery is healthy, then the discovery gradually transforms into criticism. The past few months have been... a learning experience. Learning to appreciate. To love everyone for who they are, and unique things that they bring to the table. Learning you are what you focus on. Not thinking of what you are going to say, but simply listening to what is being said. Life is full of distractions, and only the determined and strong-willed survive. I think about what matters most to me in this moment, and come to realize that these things are temporary, and trivial when I think about the bigger picture. It's difficult to change my focus though, because I'm not totally sure what that bigger picture looks like. I have an idea, but the windows I'm looking through are somewhat foggy right now. I see Manuel Leybas (one of the most influential people in my life) saying, " It is in moments of decision that your destiny is determined." I know this to be true, yet I remain indecisive. The only thing that is certain in life is that there will always be uncertainty. You, and me, and him, and her, we all have so many incredible opportunities just waiting for us. I think the waiting period is the trial, the ultimate challenge. Do we give up when they don't come knocking immediately, or do we cringe at the idea of change? It takes life to love life. And if nothing else, we have today. Lately, my todays have been "a series of unfortunate events," if you will. At the end of each night, I look up and ask what the reason is. My gift is the power of action. I make things happen when I need them to happen. Weakness, it can be misinterpreted as aggression. I strive to add all the tools I can to this belt of mine. I want to get connected, with people whom I would not generally converse with, to learn what I can from them, and give them all I have to offer. Every day is the first of the rest of our lives if we want it to be.

"I don't know a whole lot. what I do know is that all we have in this world is time. and acts of selflessness. When something is given to you, acknowledge it and appreciate it for all that it is worth. And when we are given time to live, do not live for tomorrow. Do not ask someone to "wait" for that is to waste. No more crossed arms, only opened palms."

with love,
mj.