string me to sleep

"Never leave a place unless it is better than you found it"

I guess this has been the incantation in the back of my mind keeping me from moving on. I feel like my job here isn't done yet. Like there's so much more I can do to help. Sometimes in order to become yourself, you need to let things that you love go. Problem is, I don't know if I really want to find out who that is. I like to make myself think that I am perfectly content right here, right now. It's comfortable, it's safe. I find that being in awkward situations are the ones that help us most to grow. Being in the moment, it feels like you're stuck, and once it's over, it feels good to have that experience in the bag. At the root of everything, success, happiness, love, is confidence. Confidence is one of those things that is unpredictable and uncertain. Sometimes this is good. just sometimes. Other times people can be so focused on maintaining their image and being confident that they hardly realize what a number it is doing to the confidence of the person next to them or across the room. People will find reasons to vent negativity. It's hard to be confident after some recent disappointment or problem, the pressures that surround us, and all of this uncertainty. To those who keep it, and work it are absolutely commendable. For some people, they've never had it, and are okay with being treated as though they are inferior, and damaged. This makes everything even more incredibly difficult.
Let's love unconditionally. Let's encourage. Let's light the fire in our hearts and shed some light on someone elses. Let's give second chances to the ones that were too insecure to be themselves the first time. For them.

Love is love.
-emj

Stuck

I wish I could tell you how much this means to me. I wish I could tell you how wasting time drives me crazy. I wish I could tell you that I will never be as ______ as her. I wish I could tell you that if you're happy I'm happy. I wish I could tell you that I want to cry. I wish I could tell you to hold me and make me believe for this moment that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could tell you to take a chance. I wish I could tell you that we are all playing the same game. I wish I could tell you that I feel inferior. I wish I could tell you to wait for me. I wish I could tell you that I appreciate it, but you will never understand. I wish I could tell you... but I can't.

People don't mean to forget, they forget to remember.

It seems that posting a new blog is much more convienient than writing notes and saving them in my phone. It's been a while. In this while, I've been away from home, and away from what I know. As an only child, naturally I have way too much time to think about myself. I'm working on it. Self-discovery is healthy, then the discovery gradually transforms into criticism. The past few months have been... a learning experience. Learning to appreciate. To love everyone for who they are, and unique things that they bring to the table. Learning you are what you focus on. Not thinking of what you are going to say, but simply listening to what is being said. Life is full of distractions, and only the determined and strong-willed survive. I think about what matters most to me in this moment, and come to realize that these things are temporary, and trivial when I think about the bigger picture. It's difficult to change my focus though, because I'm not totally sure what that bigger picture looks like. I have an idea, but the windows I'm looking through are somewhat foggy right now. I see Manuel Leybas (one of the most influential people in my life) saying, " It is in moments of decision that your destiny is determined." I know this to be true, yet I remain indecisive. The only thing that is certain in life is that there will always be uncertainty. You, and me, and him, and her, we all have so many incredible opportunities just waiting for us. I think the waiting period is the trial, the ultimate challenge. Do we give up when they don't come knocking immediately, or do we cringe at the idea of change? It takes life to love life. And if nothing else, we have today. Lately, my todays have been "a series of unfortunate events," if you will. At the end of each night, I look up and ask what the reason is. My gift is the power of action. I make things happen when I need them to happen. Weakness, it can be misinterpreted as aggression. I strive to add all the tools I can to this belt of mine. I want to get connected, with people whom I would not generally converse with, to learn what I can from them, and give them all I have to offer. Every day is the first of the rest of our lives if we want it to be.

"I don't know a whole lot. what I do know is that all we have in this world is time. and acts of selflessness. When something is given to you, acknowledge it and appreciate it for all that it is worth. And when we are given time to live, do not live for tomorrow. Do not ask someone to "wait" for that is to waste. No more crossed arms, only opened palms."

with love,
mj.

its a reality check

Just when you think you have earned the right to being respected, fate turns in the opposite direction. I mean here you are this passionate, complex, intellectual, selfless human being, categorized in a few words that don’t even begin to touch the surface of who you are and what your moralities consist of. It’s amazing that some of the people, who feel as though they know you best, prove to know nothing more about you than...I suppose it is my fault, for not letting my soul seep out of me. In my unwanted opinion, a soul isn’t something that should just slip out at any given time, It may happen sporadically i suppose, for all the lucky ones out there. I would think it to happen when you’re on top of the world, and your body is nothing more than a simple bubble containing your very existence, the (metaphorical) heart of you.........well; it made perfect sense in my mind. When in the middle of a very passionate conversation, we’re talking a deep, life-changing conversation; I seem to get the “so typical it shouldn’t count” response. In these sorts of conversations, there IS no easy way out. Your heart aches because you just gave your inner-most thoughts and feelings to person next to you to ponder for the rest of their days. You know?

Open your minds people, leave your comfort zone, and get to know someone, really get to know them. I am sick of having acquaintances define me based on their own red herrings. Let’s see some fresh faces and personalities, mm? Now, for one of those FAQ’s in life: If you could only choose one which would it be? Beauty or Brains? I know exactly what I would choose, and have known for as long as I can remember. You can tell so much more about a person than imaginable when getting an answer to this question. Love is blind. At least it should be. We’re all flawed in some way or another.

I figure that I appear to be emotionally drained and ignorant most of the time, because that’s all I have ever known. I notice that whenever there is a problem, I am the one that needs to do the changing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely all for constant and never-ending improvement. Attempting to respect wishes of those dear to me by bettering our relationships, I am the one that ends up doing all of the changing. Now, I’m no psychologist, but I am pretty sure that in a relationship, it’s somewhat of a two person effort. Anyhow, when I take matters into my own hands, I won’t control what the outcome will be, unless the other person takes initiative too. I know, I know, everyone knows that. But if it is such an obvious concept, than why do so many people have problems? Something to think about. I’m a person, and you’re a person, so naturally we have emotions. I like to have me a nice, cleansing cry, as much as the next person. I encourage anyone who is reading this to go and make a blog, that is if you haven’t already. It’s really nice, being able to vent without talking on the phone, or writing a text message that was so long, there were too many characters and it was sent back to you. Sometimes, it’s especially refreshing to confide in complete strangers too, just saying…

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I wish that every person in the world meets someone they can give their heart to... and that the person they give it to will give theirs to them...and that it be someone to understand exactly who they are, and to be so passionate with each other about everything from candy to music to...(you fill in the blank) that their “can’t eat, can’t sleep… world series kinda stuff” love makes the world go round.

Postscript:

Oh, and world peace.

Love, Mary Jane

So...

The weather here is never changing. The only place where flip flops are always a good alternative to any type of shoe. Nothing has been going on lately except familiar faces in town for one night, and one night only. Always forgetting to remember what we seem to think about daily. Is it too much to ask for a second chance? Somehow you know exactly who we are, yet that doesn't stop you from acting like a complete stranger. Looks can be so incredibly deceiving. You walk by thinking one thing, and treat us as the opposite of what we are. Another day goes by, waiting for the sun to stop shining. A little rain maybe, to be left out in, or in our case the dust.